Here are some jokes which most horse lovers or owners will
appreciate. We did not write and we do not claim to write any
of these jokes. If you are the author or you know the author,
please tell us so that we may properly credit you or remove
it from the page. Thanks to The
Ultimate Horse Site for a couple of the jokes.
You know you're a horse person when...
1. You cluck to your car when you go up a hill.
2. Your horse's hair is in better condition than your own.
3. You refer to your car as "my portable tack room."
4. You are excited when your friend tells you there is a huge
sale at the bridle shop, then you are disappointed when you
realize they mean the bridal shop.
5. You have the vet's number but not your kid's pediatrician
on your speed dial.
6. Your spouse can track dirt into the house all they want,
but God help them if they muddy up the tack room.
7. Your house is a mess, but the barn is as neat as a pin.
8. Your nice clothes are the ones without horsehair all over
them.
9. You have to go to your friend's wedding wearing riding clothes
because you took too long at the barn.
Murphy's Horse Laws
- There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
- No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
- The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require
shoes every four weeks, and need the vet at least once a month
- A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the
number of people who are watching.
- Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket
gets torn.
- Tack you hate will never wear out, and blankets you hate
cannot be destroyed.
- Horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you.
- Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half
clipped.
- If you approach within 50 feet of your barn in clean clothes,
you will get dirty.
- The number of horses you own will increase to the number
of stalls in your barn.
- Your barn will fall down without baling twine.
- Hoof picks always run away from home.
- If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most
recent injury.
- If you are winning, then quit, because there is only one
way to go. Down!
How do you...
Take a
nap.
Load
them in a clean trailer.
Show them
in a halter class.
Show them in a liberty class.
Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
Take
her to a show.
Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
Sell her before
she foals.
Get him out late at night or anytime
no one is around to see him.
Clip a horse.
Mow a field of hay.
Start with a large one.
Movies for Horse Lovers
Citizen Mane
Withering Heights
The Bridle of Frankenstein
Gentlemen Prefer Palominos
Prances with Hooves
For Whom the Belgian Toils
Rein Man
Lawrence the Arabian
Stall Wars
The Man with the Gelding Farm
The Day the Girth Stood Still
The Fall of the Horse of the Usher
Horse Blanket Bingo
Saturday Night Feeder
Gone with the Whinny
Cool Hoof Luke
Bonnie and Clydesdale
Who Can Open the Gate?
This story takes place in a big pasture, filled with all different
kinds of horses. A question has just been asked amid the herd:
"Who can open the gate?" Here's what they say ...
Lipizzaner: "No need for opening it! When are you all
going to learn how to fly?!"
Thoroughbred: "Let's wait for the gate to open - when the
bell rings!"
Paint: "Yeah, what he said! Na na na na na na!
Arabian: "You'll have to get somebody else to do it. My
nails aren't dry!"
Quarter Horse: "Maybe if I push on it with my hindquarters,
I could open it?"
Standardbred: "Pity on all of you. I'll figure it out.
Just give me some time."
Polo Pony: "Wait a minute ... let me get my stick and give
it a few whacks."
Shetland Pony: "Let me at it! I'll break the stupid thing
and then you all can get outta my face."
Mules: "Oh, let's just pack it in and call it a day."
Saddlebred: "Now, now. I'll open it, if someone could help
me with my shoes!"
Friesian: "I'll do it! But do you think it will mess up
my hair?"
Mustang: "What's a gate?"
Belgian: "Step back! You all aren't strong enough to do
it. I'll do it. Oh, but what if I break it?"
Morgan: "There, there. I'll do it for you. No need to have
such a big fit. Peace be with all of you. Is there anything
else I could do for you after I get done with the gate?"
Appaloosa: "Oh, hush all of you! Ya big bunch of sissies.
No one is leaving 'till I say so."
Percheron: "I already opened the gate while you all have
been arguing! I even went down the next row and opened all the
other gates. So it'll be a while before I have to listen to
all of you argue again!"
The Manual of Appropriate Behavior
1 - CHEWING. Make a contribution to the architectural industry
... chew on your stall wall, the fence, or any other wooden
item.
2 - CHILDREN: Human children require much nurturing in order
to develop a health self-ego. Never offer your right-lead canter
to an adult rider. However, permit the child the honor of the
right lead. Older children may be denied the first one or two
canter cues, to prepare them for adulthood. Very young children
MUST be given the right lead on the very first try.
3 - DEATH. When one of your best turn-out buddies has gone
to the Great Pasture in the Sky, your human attendant will require
much comforting, as they fear they will go next. Humans are
instinctively afraid of death. Offer your comfort by making
deep hacking and wheezing coughs, producing voluminous amounts
of phlegm. Your human will be greatly comforted, knowing that
he's not the next to go.
4 - DINING ETIQUETTE. Always pull all of your hay out of the
hay rack, especially right after your stall has been cleaned,
so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This challenges
your human the next time they clean your stall - and we all
know how humans love a challenge. (That's what they said when
they bought you as a two-year-old, right?)
5 - DOORS. Any door, even partially open, is always an invitation
for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of the door and
trot around, just out of reach of your human, who will frantically
run after you. The longer it goes on, the more fun it is for
all involved.
6 - FARRIER. The farrier is an object on which you can take
out your frustration without danger of limiting your food supply.
7 - FRESH BEDDING. It is perfectly permissible to use the bathroom
in the middle of your freshly bedded stall, letting your humans
know how much you appreciate their hard work.
8 - GOING FOR TRAIL RIDES. Rules of the road - When out on
a trail ride with your owner, never relieve yourself on your
own lawn.
9 - GROUND MANNERS. Ground manners are very important to humans.
Therefore, break as much of the ground in and around the barn
as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses
your human.
10 - HOLES. Rather than pawing and digging a BIG hole in the
middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your human, dig
a bunch of smaller holes all over so they won't notice. If you
arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, they
might think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the
ground. Strive daily to do your part to correct this problem.
11 - IMPROPER SHOES. Your human attendant will often risk his
safety by wearing shoes that might not provide full protection
from hazardous ranch situations. You can correct (not punish)
this behavior by applying pressure to the unprotected foot.
Humans are known to move away from pressure, but only after
making loud noises. Keep the pressure applied until your human
responds correctly to this cue.
12 - MARRIAGE. Your personal human attendant may also have
a spouse, who professes nonequinity. Whenever your attendant
brings the non-equus spouse to visit, you are to lavish unimaginable
amounts of charm on the non-equus spouse, and more importantly,
you must act fearful of your personal human attendant. This
process must continue until such time as the non-equus spouse
converts to full equinity.
13 - NEIGHING. Because you are a horse, you are expected to
neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear
you protecting the barn and communicating with other horses.
Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their
beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep
waking up in the middle of the night and hearing you, "Neigh,
neigh, neigh ..."
14 - NUZZLING. Always take a BIG drink from your water trough
immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans prefer clean
muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area of your human
you just nuzzled to dry it off, as well.
15 - PLAYING. If you lose your footing while frolicking in
the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall,
so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get
a visit from the mean ole' vet, not you!
16 - RAIN. Humans are generally little busy bodies, like beavers,
who need to constantly build and modify. During the rain, stick
either your head or your hindquarters beyond the reach of your
roof. Your human will instinctively (being the stimulus / response
creatures that they are) move you to a new stall, and make a
new roof for you later.
17 - SHOEING. Humans are creatures driven by instant gratification.
After a good foot trimming or shoeing, trot smartly around to
show your human how nicely the shoes fit. The next day, drag
one foot when you walk, to provide your little busy body with
yet another project to work on.
18 - SHOTS. Humans are characteristically nervous when providing
veterinary care for you. In order to soothe your human, raise
your head, immediately after the injection, turning the lead
rope into a handy tool with which you can swing your human.
Genetically predisposed, humans are comforted by swinging back
and forth on the lead rope, while screaming primeval noises.
19 - STOMPING CATS. When standing on cross-ties, make sure
you never - quite - stomp on the barn cat's tail. It spoils
all the fun.
20 - SNORTING. Humans like to be snorted on. Everywhere. It
is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate them.
21 - VISITORS. Quickly determine which guest is afraid of horses.
Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing loudly and pawing
playfully at this person. If the human back away and starts
crying, swish your tail, stamp your feet, and nicker gently
to show your concern.
Friday
A man left for a trail ride on Friday, and came back three days
later on Friday. How? His horse's name was Friday!
Praise the Lord
There was a preacher who was trying to sell his horse. A man
stopped by to see how the horse rode. The preacher told the
man that instead of saying "walk" say "praise
the Lord" and instead of saying "whoa" say "amen."
So the man got on the horse and said, "Praise the Lord,"
and the horse started to walk. The man then said, "Praise
the Lord," again and the horse started to trot. He said
it a few more times, then the horse started galloping. Suddenly
a cliff appeared. The man yelled "Whoa!" but the horse
wouldn't stop. He tried yelling all sorts of things, and he
tried to pull the horse up, but the horse wouldn't stop. Then
suddenly he remembered what to say. The man said, "Amen."
The horse stopped right before they fell off. The man was so
relieved that he put his hand on his forehead and then said,
"Praise the Lord."
Pull, Betsy, Pull
An out-of-towner accidentally drove his car into a deep ditch
on a country road. Luckily, a farmer happened by with his big
old horse named Betsy. The man asked for help. The farmer said
that Betsy could pull his car out, so he backed Betsy up and
hitched Betsy to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull,
Nellie, pull." Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come
on, pull Ranger." Still, Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled
really load, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Betsy just
stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Betsy,
pull." Betsy pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was
very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called
his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh,
Betsy is blind, and if she thought she was the only one pulling,
she wouldn't even try."
Five-gaited Horse
Start, stop, stumble, stagger and fall.
Long Face
A horse walks up to the bar and orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender sets the drink in front of him and tells the horse,
"It's okay buddy, you can talk to me. Why the long face?"
The Horse in the Ice Cream Shop
A horse walked into the Ice Cream shop. "I'll have a chocolate
ice cream cone," the horse said. The Ice Cream Man, John,
gave the horse the cone. The horse, having a $10 bill in his
wallet, gave the money to John. Since John thought the horse
wouldn't know a thing about money, he gave the horse one dollar
back. "Thanks for coming," John said to the horse.
"We don't get that many horses around here!" The horse
replied, "Well, it's no wonder for $9 a cone!"
I Stand Corrected...
Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of
breed. The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest
I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter
than yours, and you know, the legs are of prime importance:
no foot, no horse!" The second horse says, "I'll allow
your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the
legs I was born with, and I know for a fact that you had thousands
of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your
natural legs, not your genius farrier!" The first horse
mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand
corrected..."
How to Ride
JUNIOR: Daddy, there's a man at the circus who jumps on a horse's
back, slips underneath his belly, catches hold of its tail and
finishes on the horse's neck!
FATHER: That's nothing. I did all that the first time I rode
a horse!
One Spur
A mean school principal who rides on weekends went into a tack
store and asked for one spur. "One spur?" said the
store owner, "Surely you mean two spurs?" "No,"
said the principal, "Just one will do. If I can get one
side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with
it."
What Happened in Texas?
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the saloon's regulars had a habit of picking
on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink and left the
saloon, he found that his horse had been stolen. He went back
into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it
above his head without looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he
yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna
have another drink, and if my horse ain't back outside by the
time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't
wanna have to do what I done in Texas!" Some of the locals
shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another
drink and walked outside, to find that his horse had been returned
to its post. He saddled up and prepared to ride out of town.
The bartender followed the cowboy out of the bar. "Say
partner, before you go," the bartender asked nervously,
"what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and
said, "I had to walk home."
The Greyhound
Three racehorses stood in their stalls. One said to the others,
"I ran 20 races and I won 14 of them!" she bragged.
The next said with a snort, "Well I ran 30 races and won
25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah,
I won 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle
the topic, when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their
stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won
99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement,
and one gasped, "Wow! A talking Greyhound!"
Two Horses
One day Mary said to her husband Bob, "Why don't we get
ourselves two horses? We could go on trail rides and we can
keep them in the paddock behind the house." Bob thought
that it was a good idea, so the next day they came home with
two horses. There was one problem, however. They couldn't tell
the two apart! Sometimes they would get confused and ride the
wrong horse. They sat down to have a talk about what they could
do to tell the horses apart. Bob said, "Well, I'll shave
my horse's mane off, and we can tell them apart that way!"
After a few months, the mane grew back, and they had the same
problem. "I'll cut my horse's tail short, so then we can
tell them apart!" said Mary. But, the tail grew out, and
they still had a problem! So they decided to measure the horses.
Bob would have the biggest one, and Mary would have the smaller
one. Guess what they found? The black one was two inches taller
than the gray one!
Two Stupid Men
Two stupid men bought a bunch of horses at an auction, paying
one hundred dollars apiece for them. Then they drove to another
auction, and sold all their horses for the same price they'd
paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the
day, they realized that they'd ended up with no more money than
they'd started with. "See!" said one. "I told
you we shoulda bought more horses!"
The Eastern Lady
The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride
said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?"
"Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of saddle
do you want, English or Western?" "What's the difference?"
asked the lady. "The western saddle has a horn on it,"
said the cowboy. "If the traffic is so thick here in the
mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I
want to ride."
First Coat's Dry
The cowboy rushed into a saloon yelling, "All right, who's
the wise guy that painted my horse yellow?" There was silence
in the saloon. "'Fess up if you dare," shouted the
cowboy. With that, the biggest, meanest-looking hombre he had
ever seen got up from one of the tables, rested his hands on
his gun handles and coolly stated, "I did, whaddaya want
to tell me?" The cowboy looked up and down at this terrifying
figure, swallowed hard and replied, "Just thought you'd
like to know, the first coat's dry!"
City Folks
An Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own horse ranch,
and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his
dreams out west. "So what did you name the ranch?"
asked his best friend when he came to visit. "We had a
heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy, "Couldn't
agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L
Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond ABC XYZ Ranch. "Wow!"
his friend exclaimed, impressed. "So where are all the
horses?" "None of 'em survived the branding."
Looking Good
One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping
to buy the animal, he said to the farmer, "I think your
horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you $500 for him. "He
doesn't look so good, and he's not for sale," the farmer
said. The man insisted, "I think he looks just fine, and
I'll up the price to $1,000." "He doesn't look so
good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that
much, he's yours." The next day the man came back raging
mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me
a blind horse. You cheated me!" The farmer calmly replied,
"I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"
Found'er
One morning, the farmer went out at sunrise to feed the horses.
He fed all of his horses but one. As he was walking to his mare's
stall to feed her, he discovered she wasn't there. So he told
his wife and they looked for her all day and finally at sunset,
the farmer opened the door to the barn and found his mare with
her head in a half empty bag of sweet feed. The farmer yelled
to his wife, "FOUND'ER!"
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